She sat on the ground a few feet away from us with a taupe shawl cocooned around her entire tiny being while my (now) husband and I moved through the rituals of our Bengali Hindu wedding.

When I saw her hunched over like that I worried that she was unhappy with her son’s choice to marry someone from another culture. My husband later explained that she was praying (we were in a temple, afterall). Over time, I came to understand just how deep her faith ran, and whether she held dismay or concern in that moment or not, our relationship quickly blossomed in a way that’s difficult to put into words.

Meeting her wish not to be a burden and to serve God until her final day, my mother-in-law left her body on August 5, 2023.

I’ve been reflecting on her life, her strength (you can read my tribute below to learn more about what a resilient woman she was), and what made our relationship so special, despite language and cultural barriers. In our case, it comes down to 4 main factors.

A strong Sankalpa (Intention), mutual purpose, commitment through actions, and mutual respect are key factors to communicating and forming a strong bond, especially across perceived differences.

Sankalpa (Intention) and Mutual Purpose Form the Foundation

It would have been easy for both of us to give up on forming much of a relationship because of the language barrier alone. The foundation of the growth of our relationship was a Sankalpa (Intention). In yoga philosophy, a Sankalpa is a deep, heartfelt and solemn vow of intent or will. Separately, my mother-in-law and I both held a strong, sincere intention for the wellbeing of my husband.

As this intention became clear to both of us, mutual purpose emerged: to get to know, accept, and love each other to the best of our abilities despite the cultural and language differences.

I first learned about the power of mutual purpose from the book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Swizler. Though they describe mutual purpose as the first condition of safety in a difficult conversation, I think it applies to relationships overall as well. When mutual purpose is in place, the parties involved understand that they all care about and are working towards a common goal. They then feel safe to stay in conversation and relationship.

The key to mutual purpose is that you actually do care about the other’s interests. But how do you show that? How do you know they care and that their intentions are true?

Actions Demonstrate Commitment

From the beginning, my mother-in-law and I both demonstrated our commitment to getting to know and being in relation with each other.

I showed my commitment by engaging in the cultural rituals that were important to her, learning the basics of her language, being present with her, and taking care of her son. She showed her commitment by blessing me, feeding me, showering me with gifts, and accepting me into her family.

We did our best to communicate, and even if my hubs had to translate, the effort and interest deepened the commitment. She always asked about me when she spoke to my husband, and I often spoke with her if he called her when we were together.

When my father-in-law passed away, I traveled to Bangladesh to see my mother-in-law and participate in the mourning rituals. As we held each other and cried, I learned that grief is a shared language and that the act of being present, whether you say a word or not, can deepen a relationship. (For more on this experience and the lessons learned, see my post How Restorative Yoga Prepares You For the Hard Stuff.)

What’s important to note is that it’s one thing to say that you’re committed. It’s another thing to show it through your actions. The ongoing commitment helped us learn more about and understand each other more and more, even though it didn’t happen in the same way and perhaps not to the same degree as with her Bengali daughters-in-law.

From Actions Mutual Respect Grows

Mutual respect arose from the commitment we showed through our actions.

According to Crucial Conversations, mutual respect is the condition that maintains safety in conversations and keeps the dialog going. Again, I believe it’s a key component to any successful relationship as well. The trick is to focus on your similarities, even if it’s your basic humanity.

It was easy to respect my mother-in-law, knowing all that she had been through in her life and having experienced her generosity, humility, and kindness. Though I’ll never know in her own words what exactly influenced her respect for me, I believe my actions contributed to it. Once she saw that I engaged in her customs, attempted to learn her language, and took good care of her son, I earned her respect.

Because of these factors, our love blossomed right away and deepened over the long term.

Now, I’m no relationship expert. I have my share of challenges with communicating with certain people despite (or perhaps even because of) a shared language and history. Please don’t think I’m saying, “Oh, all you have to do is this, and all your relationships will be perfect.”

People are complex. Relationships are complicated. Communication can be hard, especially when there’s conflict or other perceived barriers.

What I know is this: Love, in its purest form, is a unifying force, and with nurturing, it can transcend cultural and language differences to grow deeply.

If these key factors—Sankalpa (Intention), mutual purpose, commitment through action, and mutual respect—could create this kind of depth in relationship without even speaking the same language, think about what they could do in your relationships without cultural and language differences.

Tell me, how could applying these tips help you in your life? What’s your biggest challenge when it comes to living your intentions and communicating across perceived differences? Head to the comments and let me know. I’d love to hear from you.

After the ceremony, everyone told me to sit on her lap so she could feed me the most scrumptious dessert after our Bengali Hindu wedding ceremony. I was afraid I was going to crush her wispy frame, but after spooning a small, sweet-milk-drenched cottage cheese dumpling known as rasmalai into my mouth, she called for my husband to sit on her other leg so she could give him one too.

Though it didn’t last long, it was the first time I saw the tiniest glimpse of my mother-in-law’s incredible strength as she held more than double her own weight on her lap.

True to her name Uma (one of the names of the fiercely protective goddess Durga), Ma kept her 6 young children safe during the 1971 Bangladesh Independence War by moving them from village to village on foot and sometimes even hiding in the forests to avoid persecution. After the war, when her husband’s sister and brother-in-law had perished from cholera, she opened her home and raised their son and 3 daughters alongside her own children.

She lived through epic global events—World War II, the partition of the subcontinent into India and Pakistan, the independence war that created her country of Bangladesh, famine, multiple military coups d’etat in her country, the Cold War, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the Internet, and a pandemic, to name a few. Through it all she took steadfast care of her family, her community, and her deities even up until her last moments in her body on August 5, 2023, meeting her wish not to be a burden and to serve God until her final day.

A devoted follower of Krishna, Radha, Goura, Nitai, and Jagadbandhu, Ma played an active part in her religious community, often hosting hundreds of people in her home for sacred ceremonies and cooking thousands of meals and sweets for celebrations and festivals.

She completed her daily religious rituals with meticulous detail and joyous enthusiasm. During one of our visits, we traveled with her from my brother-in-law’s house in Dhaka to her house in Chittagong. I’ll never forget how she glowed while performing her religious rituals in her own way in her own space.

It was for this reason that even after my father-in-law passed away, Ma made the bold decision to stay in their home by herself rather than moving in with 1 of her sons as is customary.

She loved her family dearly, and showed them in many ways, most notably through her cooking. Food is a uniting theme in Bengali culture, and when we spoke, we often talked about the day’s menu. One of her favorites was mishti doi bhat (sweet yogurt with rice), and it’s now become one of mine as well, thanks to her. She always lit up when she learned we were eating doi bhat.

Like my father-in-law, she often called me Ma, a term of endearment, respect, and acceptance into the family. When it was time to eat, though, she called my name in a special way, with the accent and a lingering on the second syllable, which she put in a higher pitch, like “Tameeee?”

I’m so grateful for the time we had together, and though I speak very little Bengali, I’m amazed at how love, actions, commitment, and shared experiences can transcend language barriers.

We were planning to visit in mid-October for the main religious festival of the year, and she had already starting making food and preparing for our trip. In our last conversation, she mentioned how excited she was for our visit.

I told her, “Ami o, Ma. Ami apnake khub miss kori.” (“Me too, Ma. I really miss you.”)

She responded with, “Ami o tomare khub miss korigo, Ma.” (Using affectionate language, “I really miss you too, Ma.”)

…

Jokhon ami wave korbo ebong bolbo “Ma, apni kemon achen?” ke mishti kore hashbe? (Who’s going to smile sweetly when I wave and ask, “How are you, Ma?”)

Ke amake Ma bolbe? (Who’s going to call me Ma?)

Ke amake doi bhat debe? (Who’s going to give me doi bhat?)

Ke amader ke dekhbe jokhon amra luggage pack korbo? (Who’s going to watch as we pack our bags?)

Chittagong e ke amader junno prasadom ranna korbe? (Who’s going to cook prasadom for us in Chittagong?)

Ke amader ke ashirbad korbe jokhon amra Bangladesh theke firey ashbo? (Who’s going to bless us when we leave Bangladesh?)

Amra shob shamoi apnake khub miss korbo, Ma, shob shamoi. (We will miss you all the time, Ma, all the time).

This information is for educational and informational purposes only and solely as a self-help tool for your own use. I am not providing medical, psychological, or nutrition therapy advice. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting your own medical practitioner. Always seek the advice of your own medical practitioner and/or mental health provider about your specific health situation.